In Their Own Words:
How Women Changed Since the Death of Their Husbands
Bob Baugher, Ph.D.
Peabody/Vanderbilt University
In my doctoral dissertation titled, Perceptions of the Widow’s Bereavement Process by Her Adult Child, I asked the the following question to the 59 widowed women in the study:
"How do you feel that you’ve changed since your spouse died? List 3 of the most
significant ways (if any) that indicate how you are different."
In analyzing their responses I discovered that they fell into seven categories:
Emotional, Increased Skills, Personality, Spiritual, Physical, Financial, Relationships
Here is what they said. If you are widowed, see which ones apply to you.
Emotional
Alone, without spouse
Although I’m relatively financially secure, I’m afraid to spend .
Anxious, uncertain, suspicious, take nothing for granted.
Bitter
Resignation
Sad all the time
Scared
Empty and hopeless feelings
Express my feelings more
Feel less adequate to me decisions
Stronger ally and psychologically
Stronger, don’t need absolute control.
Finally, acceptance
Guilt over not caring for grandchildren Had to be self-reliant (completely)
Happier
I am extremely depressed, unhappy, and lonely.
I am frightened by the uncertainty of my future.
I cry too much when alone.
I have become belligerent if someone tries to tell me how to run my life.
I have moods of depression.
I try harder not to worry about my new husband.
I’m not as cheerful or happy
Less angry
Less anxiety about being out at parties
Less bothered with housework
Less concerned about my own death
Life is more purposeless.
Lonely even if other people are around
Low esteem
More aware of the hurt that others suffer.
Much more al and sentimental
Resentful of others happiness and togetherness
Unwanted
Worry more about the future
Increased Skills
I have become more independent. (The most popular response.)
Aware of having to take care of myself
Become self-supporting
Better understanding of financial affairs
A better business person because I have had to be.
Acceptance of total responsibility for self, house, life, etc.
Going places by myself
Grew to meet my problems
Have more confidence in myself
Helpful to others
I am a career woman.
I am more self-sufficient, stronger.
I have become more self-sufficient.
I have learned to be a “person” on my own.
I take charge of my own business.
I talk more in a group.
I’ve become more aware of other people feelings.
I’ve been forced to manage house, alone.
I’ve learned I have to be responsible for myself.
I’ve matured because I’ve had to do new things.
Learned how to make decisions
Learned to do things (mechanically) that I had never done before.
Excellent gardener
More handy around house
More concerned about practical affairs, finances, etc.
More reliant on my own decisions
More self-sufficient, more self-confident
My life requires an extremely imposed discipline of work/companionship.
Self-confidence.
Skilled repair woman
Personality 3
Adaptable
As a perfectionist, I feel I am spread too thin.
Afraid to “speak my mind” openly
Feel more able to interact with people outside the home
I am less trusting of others than I need to be
I am quieter.
I come to understand myself better, who I am, and what I want.
I don’t have the interest to go on trying.
I don’t laugh often.
I don’t take what I have for granted anymore.
I feel different about my work since I have to work.
I think I am not different.
I have less purpose in life.
I feel more inhibited in my actions or speech.
I get discouraged trying to live alone.
I have become spoiled (living alone)
I haven’t been able to “trust” that another person could care for me as my husband did.
I live each day more fully rather than saving everything for the future.
I must go on and live as he would want me to.
I stay at home more.
I’m not as sure of myself as I was while he was with me.
I’ve finally realized that life isn’t a game, I don’t think I’ll ever be as carefree as I was before becoming responsible (entirely) for the children. I’ve not quite yet learned to live with the knowledge that I do it alone.
Everything has gotten much harder to deal with and sometimes I just sort of “cave in.”
Kinder to myself
Learned that happiness is a choice
Learned to accept living alone (but not to like it)
Learned to accept people for what they are. You cannot change them.
Learned to ask for help and accept it gratefully
Learned to be myself not worrying about others opinions.
Learned to make decisions on my own
Learning too slowly to going alone, but feel if and when I accept the fact, “this is the way it is,” I will be a stronger person.
Less concerned about outside opinion.
Less judgmental of others
More aggressive
More calm
More comfortable with my own mortality
More compassionate
More confident in myself regarding my ability to work things out.
More content
More cynical
More dependent upon friends
More difficult to “do business” with
More easygoing, less critical of others
More fun
More of a loner
More outgoing
More positive
More thoughtful
More tolerant
Much more mature, but a little hardened
Not as cheerful (or more irritable).
Not as outgoing
Not a first-class citizen
Not quite as patient with people
Not trustful of men
Nothing to live for, no one needs me
People tell me I appear to be more serious.
Politically much more liberal
Probably more selfish
Still learning to be alone, but not lonely
Take life more easy
Tolerant
Travel more, keep moving and involved
Try to live each day more fully.
Wiser
Withdrawn from life
Work a little more than right before he died
Spiritual
Closer to God and my church
Free thinking in matters of religion
Greater faith in God
Deeper life
More dependent on God for help and guidance
More religious
More reverent in my thinking
More confidence, worry less (because of turning to more faith in God)
Physical 5
Can’t sleep
Become more concerned about my physical condition.
A healthier person
Don’t eat like I should
More lazy
Financial
Concerned about money management
Responsible for all finances
I devote more time to work than family.
More cautious with spending
More inclined to spend money and spoil children
More knowledgeable of finances
Relationships
Developed more friends of mine rather than ours
Empathy I feel for people more.
Even more concerned about children than before
Close to my sisters even more than before
I have a void in my life that’s hard to fill
I love my new husband very much.
I’ve tried to live as I did when he was with me hoping someday that I’ll see him again.
It’s hard to love someone; scared they might die.
Knowledge I can enjoy companionship of friends
More women as friends. Most are alone too
Seek company of interesting female companions
Tend to love and appreciate others more
Try to be understanding of other people’s problems.
Understanding of others
There they are: More than 150 examples of changes from women who’ve been widowed between one and ten years. Interestingly, only one person stated that she did not change. Even though this study was conducted in the mid-nineteen eighties, the answers are still relevant today. Many of the changes are negative, which confirms what widowed women clearly know: coping with the loss of a husband is a longterm (even lifelong) adjustment process. However, some of the changes for some of the women are positive. The most common change is centered around the concept of Independence as shown by responses such as: stronger, content, making my own decisions, confident, and less concerned about the opinion of others. Future research should focus on changes that widowed men experience.